Sunday, June 24, 2007

Dear Mom,

We just came back from a trip to Alaska; and when I was catching up on the local news, I spotted Bill Vulliet's obituary in the Poway Chieftain. I immediately thought of Ruth and how she would now be alone, and then I read that she had died in February, 2005. I didn't know that. I've been out of the loop since you left us, and I haven't kept up with any of your friends - Maxine, Mae, Pat, Bill, Effie, or any of the others. I think I needed to separate myself from that close association so I could give myself to the grief that called me - the grief of a daughter.

How sad that Bill spent his last two years without Ruth. I know it must have been terribly hard on him. They were so close - always together, always joyful, always with a ready smile and a kind greeting. He seemed dependent on her.

I wanted to tell you right away, of course ... even though you've been gone since February, 2003, you've never really left my heart or my presence, so I forget you're not really here. I fully expect to be able to walk into your room at any time and chat with you, to hear your phone ring, to hear your laughter as you talk with your friends. Even though I've used your room as my main office for the past three years, there's an alternate version of that room that is just as vivid to me, and I see it almost as clearly as I see my office version of it.

I didn't know that Bill was a nuclear physicist. I knew he had been an accomplished pianist when he was younger, but I didn't know the extent of his brilliance. He even played the organ at the Baptist church here in Poway. When I knew him, he had become too much disabled by his illnesses. I don't even remember what they were, although I know you would have told me. I just knew that they were the kindest couple and I enjoyed talking with them. I didn't know, either, that they had lost a son in 1988. Oh, the things that happen in people's lives that we don't realize. Everyone has a history that doesn't show on the outside. We so often forget that.

Bill is buried at Dearborn. We will have to go up and see if we can find his grave. I'm sure Ruth is buried there, too.

Speaking of the Baptist church, they have changed the name to The Well, hoping to attract more young families. A number of Baptist churches are following this pattern.

Do you realize that it's been 10 years this year since we lost Dad and Den, and Uncle Jack, Aunt Mary, Floyd, Chuck, and Diane, too?

I thought about you a lot as Lauren and I were cruising to Alaska. I wondered if you had been terribly cold. In fact, I stayed awake at night trying to remember. We even talked about it with our dinner table friends on the ship - Ollie, Joan, Renee, and Chuck. We all had memories of our parents which we shared. I worried that I had sent you off on that cruise many years ago, with Maxine and Mae, without warm enough clothes, and I regretted that I hadn't gone with you so I could make sure you had what you needed. I wondered if I had sent enough money with you to buy warmer clothes if you needed them. I think I did - I'm sure you had your credit card with you, and that's all it takes - plastic. You can buy anything on board ship. But it's been a long time ago, now - probably about 11 years - and my memory grows dim.

Funny the things you think about, isn't it?

Do you know that between us - you and Lauren and me - we took the trip Dad always wanted to take. You did part of it - the inside passage, and Lauren and I did that and extended our trip to a land tour, going all the way to Prudhoe. I remarked several times to Lauren, as we were traveling the Dalton highway, that Dad would have been in his element on that trip - all the wild flowers and plants, the wild life, the mountain ranges, the tundra, the Arctic - he knew so much about all of it, and he would have loved every minute of it. He would have known the names of everything. Dad, the sometimes naturalist, the man who loved and understood so much about the natural world.

Den would have loved the wild life, and he would have been in seventh heaven to have gone to Jeff King's Alaskan Husky show. We still have Den's books about Huskies and sled dogs. He was fascinated by them and spent hours and hours studying about the various kinds of dogs, especially huskies. I remember thinking that Den should have been there instead of me. He always wanted a husky. He would have wanted to mount that sleigh and run the Iditarod with Jeff. As Jeff's crew hooked up some huskies to a tractor, for a summer practice run, and the dogs took off pulling that thing out of the yard and down the road, I was overcome with emotion and my eyes filled to overflowing. I hid my face by pulling down the brow of my hat - I didn't want to lose it there and frighten all those strangers. It was a private moment, between God and Den and me. It's a shock to the system to realize you are living the life someone else wanted so badly - both Dad and Den.

Steve and Connie are coming for a visit next week. We have a whole week of activities planned, including a cruise at the Harbor in San Diego and a trip or two to Carlsbad beach. We are really looking forward to it. Judy, Steve, and I have stayed close together since you're no longer here to keep us connected. I know that would make you happy. You did a lot of things right, even though I'm sure you only prayed that we would stay close. All three of us chip in to make it work well. Not one of us is a slackard when it comes to keeping up the family closeness. We have managed to travel to see each other at least once a year, and we talk on the phone every Saturday. This year, I went to Judy's, and Steve and Connie are coming here; so there's one part of the triangle that won't be connected this year. But I think that's probably ok.

While I'm writing, I'll catch you up on a few more things over the years. I'm pretty sure Mae's husband died. And Frank died - the year after you did. As you knew he would be, he's buried beside Dad. He suffered way too long. Parkinson's is such an insidious disease, isn't it? We have another friend who's suffering the last stages of Parkinson's. He has been unable to do anything and has been in a nursing home for about six months now. The disease just lingers and lingers and lingers.

Darlene died and we gave her a spot at the foot of your graves. She had no one here, and we had room.

Glen C died suddenly in August 2004. I know that's probably a big shock for you and you would be so sorry to hear about it. It was really rough on Jana and the children, but I think they have worked toward getting on with life now. The older two have grown into their adult years, so Jana and the youngest moved into an apartment and she changed jobs so she would have better pay to support her and Josh. I'm sure they will never get "through it," as people seem to expect (or sometimes even demand - our society is so shallow sometimes). We've learned that you put your grief on and wear it next to your skin. Over time, others can't see it; but the loss, as well as the closeness of those you've lost, never leaves you.

While I have you, let me ask you a question. Did you have it in your mind that you would live to be as old as Dad was when he died? I often wondered about that. I remember, a few weeks before you died, you mentioned that we were coming up on the sixth anniversary of Dad's death, and I said no, it was the seventh, I think. Actually, if that's the way it was, you were right, I think - it was six years. You should have held on for another year! Anyway, within a few weeks, you were gone, too. So many thoughts in retrospect. One can never understand death, even though it's inevitable; and memory plays tricks, sometimes nasty ones, on a person. No matter, time passed, and life is finite.

Well, time does march on, doesn't it? I might not write again, but one of these days we'll see you and we'll catch up with those things that are really important. By that time, so many things that we thought were important will have disappeared, taking their proper place in the forgotten world.

We're now learning what it means to be on the threshold of our elderly years, and I think we're doing it with at least a little bit of grace. It helps that we no longer have anyone who depends on us. Even Willie and Shebet are gone now (we lost them this past winter), so we are truly alone. We're determined to try hard to keep the momentum going as long as we can. We have learned to lean on each other when we find we have a lack - as hard as that is for two dynamic and somewhat competitive people, and that's good.

I retired again (yes, I went back to work for three years - and loved every minute of it, as you can well imagine) in February. Now that our spring travels are done and Lauren's seasonal job has passed for this year, we're remapping our lives again - this time with full retirement in mind as we grow older. I'm cleaning house and truly getting rid of a number of things. I still have almost all your clothes - at least your good ones, which I'm saving for Donna - but there are other things that I can bear to part with now - things that were yours, Dad's, Den's - and part with them I will! I'm leaving a few things for Donna, even though I don't need them any more, just because she will need them for her healing process - just as I've needed them - when the time comes for her to do her job. I have found that touching and being surrounded by all these tangible memories is an important part of grieving and then learning to live again. And I want Donna to bathe in all the love that I have for her, and all the memories we have together, so she, too, can wear those memories and that love right next to her skin for the rest of her life.

I learned a lot from you about how to keep on keeping up, and I think of you often - speaking little messages to you, like - ok, now I get it! Thanks for being such an inspiration and model for me. I hope I can be as good a model and inspiration for those who are coming after me, especially for Donna. Our lives are a legacy for those who remain, always. We can only hope that it's a good one.

Love,

Sue

June 2006 - Alaska Itinerary

I'm sure, over time, Holland America will let this link expire - but in the meantime, here's our tour (# 21):

http://www.hollandamerica.com/dest/dest.do?dest=010020&region=A04

Here's a site with some good maps of where we are going. The Interactive Map of Alaska's Cities and Towns, on this page, is especially good. Just click a town, and you are presented with information about that town.

http://www.travelalaska.com/Maps/Index.aspx

Friday - June 8 - Travel from home to Vancouver, Canada, and board ship, the ms Volendam, about 1:00 in the afternoon. Our stateroom is already assigned - a verandah suite on the port side.

We'll leave port at 5:00 p.m., heading toward Ketchikan.

Saturday - June 9 - Inside passage scenic cruising

Sunday - June 10 - Arrive at Ketchikan at 7:00 a.m.

At 10:00 a.m., we'll take in the Misty Fjords Boat Cruise & Floatplane Adventure.
At 4:00 p.m., we depart Ketchikan, heading to Icy Strait Point.

Monday - June 11 - Arrive at Icy Strait Poin at 9:00 a.m.

We've signed up for the Remote Bush Exploration and Wildlife tour.

At 6:00 p.m., we depart Icy Strait Poin, heading for Juneau.

Tuesday - June 12 - Arrive at Juneau at 7:00 a.m.

At 9:00, we'll take in the Mendenhall Glacier and Gardens, and the depart Juneau at 6:00 p.m.

Wednesday - June 13 - Arive at Sitka at 7:00 a.m.

At 8:00, we'll take in the Sitka Photography Tour, and then leave Sitka at 4:00 p.m.

Thursday - June 14 - Arrive at Hubbard Glacier at 7:00 a.m.

Leave Hubbard Glacier at 11:00 a.m.

Friday - June 15 - Arrive at Seward at 7:00 a.m.

After disembarking, we'll do a little exploring of Seward on our own, and then catch a bus at 12:15 heading to Anchorage. The 3-hour bus trip includes a narration about the things we'll see along the way.

We'll spend the night in Anchorage.

Saturday - June 16 - Prudhoe Bay by plane

At 10:00, we'll have a video presentation of Prudhoe, and then we'll enjoy a bus tour of the area.

Well spend the night in Prudhoe. Prudhoe is also known as Deadhorse.

Sunday - June 17 - Coldfoot

At 8:00 a.m., we'll board a bus for a 9-hour trip to Coldfoot, via the Dalton Highway.
Here's a site with some photos of the highway:
http://www.alaskaroads.com/photos-Dalton-Hwy.htm


Monday - June 18 - Fairbanks

We'll leave Coldfoot at 8:00 a.m. and take another 9-hour bus trip to Fairbanks, continuing on the Dalton Highway.

Tuesday - June 19 - Denali Park

At 7:00, we board the McKinley Explorer train and head to Denali, where we'll spend the night.

Wednesday - June 20 - Anchorage

At 11:00 a.m., we'll board the McKinley Explorer once again and head for Anchorage, where we'll end our trip.

Thursday - June 21 - Fly home

Touring Poway - Sunday, June 3

The amazing thing about touring away from your home territory is that you see things that you wouldn't ordinarily see at home, even if those things exist right in front of your nose.

Lauren and I were watching a Rick Steves PBS travelogue last night and noting that the central plazas in Europe have been very enjoyable places for us to visit. What wonderful places! People congregate, enjoy the outdoors, and mix - or not. Language isn't necessary there. But as Rick Steves said, these plazas are quintessentially European. We agree.

Where do American's congregate? Surely we have no less a need to get out and enjoy relaxation time with others, others who may or may not be like us. Where do we go?

I thought about this off and on during church this morning (the semon was on the Trinity - yes, I listened, at least from one ear, and I paid particular attention to the Athenasian Creed, an intriguing affirmation of faith that one can understand only one phrase at a time, completely losing the previous phrase in the mental parsing of the next - perhaps that's also the character of the Trinity), so after church, I thought I would drive around Poway, put on my tourist glasses, and see what my town looks like.

So at 10:00 in the morning, I drove to the Community Center to see what was going on. That seemed to be a likely place to congregate. Someone was doing some picking up around the community pool, but it seemed it was too early for it to open. There were a few people playing tennis there, a softball or soccer (I didn't pay enough attention) game beginning in another field, and a few families setting up for a picnic in one of the picnic areas. Not much congregating going on yet, but some quiet signs of life.

Then I drove through Creekside, our little movie and restaurant complex, thinking I might find a group sitting outside Starbucks, but I was disappointed. Maybe Sunday morning isn't Starbucks time, or maybe I was just too early.

Knowing that people must be out somewhere, I drove up to our Old Town park, and there, I saw activity.

There was a Boy Scout (or Cub Scout) picnic going on, and there were lots of little boys in their little uniforms, along with their parents, congregating around several picnic tables. (I was thinking that those little boys would have a lot more fun if they didn't have to wear their uniforms, but maybe this was an award picnic of some kind.)

Another family was setting up for a birthday party.

I took a few pictures this morning. Maybe I'll do this on other weekend mornings, too, and develop a collection. (To see more detail in the pictures below, click the picture. It should open an enlarged version for you to inspect.)

At the Old Town park, we have a working train. There's a club that maintains this train, and some were gathered this morning. There's a stream that runs through the park. I'm sure it has a name - maybe it's Rattlesnake Creek (I need to find out!). This time of year, it's green, and there's only a little water. There are a couple people walking along the edges. Hope there aren't any rattlesnakes - this is definitely the time of year that they're out and about!
Looking across the railroad tracks in the foreground, we can see the beginning of crowds for the day. The birthday family is nearest to us, and then the background shows the Scout troop picnic.

How many parks does Poway have? When I stop to think about it, I know there are many. Each neighborhood seems to have a park associated with it. Our own park is Garden Road. And there are several more public type parks, like the Old Town Park. On the road running parallel to the west of the road where Old Town Park is, closer to Poway Road, there's Hillary Park. Just north of Old Town Park, just across the road, there are public soccer fields. Poway Lake, of course, is one of the biggest public parks in Poway. I think our hiking trails, in places like Goodan Ranch and the Blue Sky Preserve also qualify as park-like places, although they encourage small group congregations rather than the large group "city plaza" type of experience.

Our larger public parks, like Old Town Park and Poway Lake, offer concerts throughout the year, especially in the summer. They are free, and they make for a very enjoyable Saturday or Sunday afternoon or evening.

We really love the European city plaza experience. It's definitely not the small crowd that I was hoping to see at Starbucks this morning. Maybe the closest we come is our public parks, where people come to picnic, play games, sit and reflect, experience a concert, or, like me this morning, take pictures.